


Here and Now

by TheUnusualShipper



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders Being Anders, Hawke Being Hawke (Dragon Age), Hawke is smitten, Love Confessions, M/M, Mentions of Smut, No beta we die like mne, Purple Hawke (Dragon Age), Tooth-Rotting Fluff, a disgusting amount of fluff, anders being angsty, because I need it, i refuse to let this ship ever go down, some attempt at foreplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:21:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUnusualShipper/pseuds/TheUnusualShipper
Summary: Here I am with another vague title. My keyboard was broken as I wrote this (still is), so yuck.Anyways, I've wanted to add to this fandom for a while because Anders is my main man and I love him, so I wanted to do something about that.
Relationships: Anders/Male Hawke
Comments: 10
Kudos: 8





	Here and Now

"I told you it wasn't bad." Anders sounded intensely smug, but for once Hawke couldn't bring himself to complain about it. He had to give credit where credit was due; Anders had said it wasn't bad, and he'd provided him with plenty of evidence. 

"You told me it wasn't bad, you didn't tell me it would be life-changing." How he managed to construct an entire sentence was a mystery, probably a miracle that wouldn't repeat itself. Garrett was slightly out of touch with reality, fucked-out and sprawled on the bed as if his soul had fully abandoned his body.

Anders seemed to find that hilarious, because the loud laugh he let slip was probably heard in every corner of Hawke's mansion. Although the laugh was at his expense, Garrett still found himself smirking softly in response. 

He adored Anders with every fibre of his being, and he loved seeing him happy, hearing him laugh. It didn't happen nearly as often as he wished it would; maybe the things happening in the world just outside that window made it hard to find happiness anywhere, but that didn't mean that they had to stop trying. Hawke always tried his very best to remain optimistic, to laugh at least once a day, to keep morale up. 

It was more difficult for Anders, as they were two different people with different experiences. Anders coped by working himself half to death, doing anything and everything to ensure that the living conditions of mages didn't spiral from bad to worse, something that was getting more and more likely to happen by the day.   
It was hard to make him relax, even harder to make him genuinely laugh; it was a pity because Hawke cherished that sound, the small wrinkles that appeared at the corners of Anders' eyes, the feeling of happiness and warmth that spread through his body at the sound.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Anders' sudden question jerked Hawke back to reality, only to find his lover still sitting beside him, still smiling softly. Like he could tell exactly why Garrett was staring at him but was still somehow too bashful to just admit it to himself, just how loved and adored he was. 

"Nothing. Just..." Hawke sighed softly, stroking Anders' cheek. "I love you."

Usually, Anders was responsive to heartfelt declarations of love. They were his thing, actually, and they never failed to make Hawke's heart melt. He could be so dramatic and over the top, and it was still one of the most endearing things Garrett could think of. 

This time though, Anders seemed speechless, his whole face turning pink. Maybe it was the genuine love in Hawke's voice or the way he had just been stared at, as if he was the most beautiful piece of art ever created... There was no way to tell. 

"If you don't say it back, I might start crying." Eventually, it was Hawke who broke the tension, a teasing smile on his lips; they had already said it several times (just that day), so he wasn't exactly worried, but upon seeing how flustered Anders was, his first response had of course been that to make a joke out of it. It was just what Hawke did.   
More often than not, it did the trick; although Anders would roll his eyes at bad jokes, they often managed to break the tension and make Anders relax once again. 

Of course, this time was no exception. Without wasting a second more, Anders threw his arms around his neck and kissed him, deeply. He kissed him so hard and for so long, that he even grew a bit dizzy. 

When they parted, he could feel his lips a little numb, and couldn't help but chuckle at the beard burn around Anders' mouth, where his stubble had done almost nothing to protect him from Hawke's own facial hair. 

"I love you too." Anders still added that, softly, just in case Hawke hadn't already grasped the concept, as he often did. "It's just been a long time since I've been looked at that way. If it ever happened." There was a sort of quiet acceptance as he said that, and Garrett's heart ached at the thought. His love for the other mage couldn't heal old wounds, no matter how badly he wanted it to. Some parts of Anders' life, of his past choices and experiences, were simply out of his grasp and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Anders had been damaged in many ways, with a plethora of consequences. Perhaps if they'd met earlier he could have done something to prevent all the hurt that followed his fellow mage around like a big, dark shadow. 

"You deserve to. I already spend a lot of time staring at you, I could make it more obvious if you like." Anders chuckled, sliding down the mattress until he could nestle himself into Hawke's side, his lover's thick arms quickly wrapping around him to hold him closer. 

"I think it would get unsettling after a while. It already is, when you say it like that." Hawke chuckled as well, quiet and intimate, not wanting to burst the bubble of peacefulness that had formed around them. 

"Probably, but unsettling works on some people, such as yourself. Would you have even noticed me, had I been normal?"

"You make a fair point." They chuckled for a bit longer, still high on sex and that bit of wine they'd had before locking themselves in the bedroom; limbs tangled, noses buried against each other's skin to keep quiet, it was silly and perfect. They were floating, miles and miles away from the city just outside their door, allowing themselves to let go of all worry and fear. It didn't happen as often as it should have, but it still happened. Sometimes, it was inevitable. 

For a while, they simply laid there in silence, Anders drawing small circles on Hawke's abdomen with the tips of his fingers and Hawke trying to recover from the magical things Anders had done to his body. 

"I'm sorry. I know we haven't spent much time together lately." Anders' voice drew Hawke out of his thoughts, and he let out a soft sigh as he carded his fingers through his lover's hair. 

"Don't apologize. I know that what you do is important." Accepting it was the only right thing to do. Anders devoted his life to helping others, to trying to change things for the better for people like them. Hawke had never been particularly selfish, and he wasn't going to berate his lover for doing what was right. 

"It is. But you're important as well. Vital, actually. Everything you've done for me, I... Sometimes I wonder if I would still be here, hadn't you come into my clinic that day." At this point, with everything going on in Kirkwall, Hawke wasn't so sure of that either, although he wouldn't say it out loud. He had done everything he could to keep Anders safe and it had almost been not enough one too many times. 

"Let's not think about that. You're here with me." The thought of something happening to Anders was enough to rip away Hawke's ability to laugh his worries away. There was no joke he could come up with to ease the tension he felt whenever he thought about how Anders was in constant danger.

"I am. Relax, Garrett." Anders moved from his side, straddling him, and soon his nimble fingers found Hawke's shoulders, messaging the tense knots that had recently formed there. "I didn't mean to upset you. Forgive me."

"I'm not upset." It didn't matter if it felt that way. Garrett knew himself well enough by now to recognize when his reactions were dictated by his own mind, and not by the actual circumstances. "Love just hurts sometimes. The fear of losing it... It never really stops hurting, does it?" This wasn't about Hawke, or even about them as a couple. It was just the way things were; the world they lived in cared little for the lives of individuals, sacrificing them easily in the name of something bigger. Each day people would lose a loved one to senseless violence and oppression. It was only natural to be afraid of losing what they had. Just like Hawke had lost his father, his mother and Bethany, or the way so many lives had slipped through Anders' fingers; there was nothing to assure them that they would get another day, and sometimes loving him hurt. 

"It doesn't. I guess that's partly the beauty of it." Anders settled next to him once again, sighing deeply as he tried to coax Hawke into a more relaxed state. 

"I wouldn't trade the time we've had for anything." His voice was quiet, almost a whisper; soft and soothing, making Garrett forget about his fears for a moment. "And I will fight to have as much time with you as possible. That's what matters." 

He was right, obviously. There was no point in constantly worrying about losing what made his life good. Sometimes it couldn't be helped, but Hawke wasn't going to let such negativity ruin the mood.   
His experiences had led him to become fairly protective of his loved ones, sometimes to the point of being overbearing. Merrill had given him quite the lecture about it, making it clear that none of them were children and that he couldn't control their lives. She was right, and the worst part was that Garrett hadn't even realized he had started acting that way. 

He was working on it but was always glad to know that Anders was fine with being protected. He had that one security at least. 

Garrett turned on his side, arms wrapping around Anders' middle; they knew each other well enough to be able to tell when words were unnecessary, so they simply enjoyed each other's company for a while, sharing the silence peacefully.   
They were close to drifting off to sleep when a scratching sound made Anders jump so high he nearly rolled out of the bed. A sound like that in Darktown usually meant very big rats, but this time the sound was quickly replaced by a soft whine that made Anders relax and Hawke chuckle under his breath. Definitely not a rat.

"That blasted dog of yours. He does this every time, I swear he can smell when I'm starting to fall asleep and comes here just to wake me up." He complained, glaring at the door with badly concealed affection. Despite what he said, he was growing fond of the Mabari, and it showed. 

"You love him." Mumbled Hawke in response, before swiftly kissing his shoulder and getting out of bed. He could feel Anders' eyes on his body as he opened the door just a bit to peer down at his dog.

"Not tonight, buddy. Go lie down." Despite his soft tone, the Mabari still whined, although eventually he did wander away, probably heading to Sandal's room. As he turned, Hawke found Anders still staring at him. 

"You could have let him in. It's not like you never do, anyway." Hawke narrowed his eyes, staring at his lover for a moment; he was hiding something, and he quickly realized what it was, a slow grin spreading across his face. Anders could see the moment realization hit because he immediately rolled his eyes in response. 

"You feel bad, don't you? He was sad and got you feeling terrible." He teased, moving back to the bed, all sleepiness now forgotten. "My, Anders, for someone who claims to hate dogs you seem to care a big deal for his feelings." 

His partner quickly lost his temper, playfully shoving at Hawke's shoulder, just hard enough to make him lose his balance. 

"Don't be absurd. He's an animal, I don't hate animals." 

"Right, you only hate people and darkspawn." Not a bad policy, actually. "Still, you wanted to let him sleep with us. That's a good step in your relationship. I will let him know tomorrow morning, I'm sure he will be delighted."

Anders huffed again, although he was no longer trying to conceal his smile. Hawke took full advantage of the moment of distraction the sweep the man in his arms, holding him close for a moment. 

"I also didn't let him in because there are certain things I will never do in front of my dog."

"Oh, is that right?" Anders' voice was getting raspy, his tone teasing yet lazy at the same time.   
Hawke hummed in agreement, arms circling Anders' waist as he settled on top of his lover, sliding in place between his legs, lips quickly finding his throat. 

"At least that drooling beast did something right." 

Hawke decided that now it was a good moment for Anders to stop talking about his Mabari, so he playfully nipped his left ear and then immediately went to town on his lover's body.  
Anders' stamina was remarkable, a good match for Hawke who very rarely turned down a second or third round: that usually meant that there was no need to wait and draw things out, but it was foolish to think that Hawke wouldn't do it. He loved foreplay deeply -something about getting to worship every detail of his lover's body-, and although at first Anders had been reluctant to spend so much time on a single activity that wasn't focused on saving lives, he had eventually come around to it.   
Hawke had immediately understood Anders' skepticism and general lack of patience. His life hadn't exactly left much space for nights such as the ones they shared; if flirting somehow ended up being something more, it had to be done quickly, sometimes too quick to enjoy. The experience itself had rarely been more than skin-deep, as it would have been dangerous to pick another route, to make things last or matter. They had both seen how well that had gone for him. 

And then, for the longest time, Anders had done nothing but think about others. From mages to wounded refugees, he had dedicated every minute of every day to doing something good for others.   
Lack of affection and one single goal in mind could do that to a person, make them forget about the beauty and importance of love and passion.

Hawke found that there was nothing better than spending time learning everything he could about Anders' body, and was glad that the other mage had warmed up to it as well. He didn't know if he could survive without getting to do that, because each time he did, small pieces would come together to form the incredibly intricate puzzle that made Anders the man he was. Scars, each one of them with a story, stories that Hawke had nearly memorized by now. Beauty marks, moles and light freckles spattered across his body; he was still working on committing those to memory since there was a fair amount of them, but he was working steadily on it. Nevertheless, they were all beautiful and he dedicated an equal amount of time to each of them, peppering his lover with kisses until he was blissfully sighing beneath him, warm and relaxed.

Unable to resist, eventually Hawke let his tongue join his lips, tasting Anders' skin and mumbling happily as he did so; the sweat from earlier made him taste just a bit salty, and Hawke couldn't get enough of it, kissing and lapping his way down Anders' chest, until he found himself near his ribs; he looked up at the other man, a wicked tint to his grin that made Anders immediately put his hands on each of Garrett's shoulders. 

"Don't you do it." It was a warning, and Hawke still wasn't sure if he would listen or not: he knew that Anders was awfully ticklish, he even knew the specific spots. Oddly enough, his armpits were not ticklish at all, but his ribs usually had him convulsing with laughter. It stopped just below his navel but got even stronger from the knee down. Garrett could barely brush Anders' calf without him kicking out like a horse, and he would have lied had he said he didn't love it. Anders himself knew just how beautiful it was, just once in a while, to hear him laughing like that, with no restraints at all. Most times, Hawke couldn't really stop himself. He liked to touch, and tickling was just one of many ways to do that. In his defense, whenever he looked at the other man, he could understand where that urge came from. Anders was flawless in his eyes; sure, perhaps he had lost some weight over the last few years, but he was by no means fragile; his long, sinewy muscles gave him all the bulk he needed to be an exceptional fighter, and made him look absolutely delectable whenever he got naked.

"I'm not gonna do it, just thinking about it."

So yes, it was always extremely satisfying and would soothe his need to get his hands all over the man, but after a handful of seconds, Garrett decided to move on and spare his lover just for this once. Not necessarily because of Anders' murderous look, but because he was trying to make him forget himself and relax completely under his care. 

Hawke moved down to Anders' navel, nibbling on the skin and rubbing the tip of his nose against it lovingly, as the other man promptly relaxed again beneath him now that the danger of being tickled was gone.   
His hands stayed planted firmly on Garrett's shoulders, although his grip had loosened quite a bit and was now pressing lightly on his muscles, messaging him gently; a gesture Hawke couldn't help but smile at. He could feel Anders' love radiating from each touch, travelling up and down his body in a warm trail.

His quest to conquer every inch of Anders' body turned even slower in response, mellow and relaxed as they both took pleasure in each other's company, in the touches they shared.   
Hawke honestly didn't know how much time they spent like that, with Anders massaging his shoulders and Garrett kissing and licking every inch of skin he could reach; he only stopped when he felt the tip of Anders' cock brushing against his jaw. He gazed up at his lover with a smug grin on his lips, and Anders chuckled promptly as their eyes met.

"What? You knew where this was going." He seemed almost embarrassed as he said that, which was particularly rare. Anders had many moods and many different sides to his personality, but the most innocent ones tended to come out much less, especially as time passed.

It often felt like no matter what they did, they couldn't quite forget about what was going on outside the walls of Hawke's mansion. It made it harder for both of them to cling to whatever vulnerability they still possessed, something that tended to make Hawke feel almost inhuman. Vulnerability, the want and need to have fun and unwind, the chance to be nothing more than a person every once in a while, those were all the things that were keeping them sane, and they were slowly losing them. It made him happy to see Anders utterly satisfied with his company, so much so that he couldn't think about keeping his walls up. There was nothing to fear in that room, and both of them felt that. They were safe, if only for another night, and they could be vulnerable together.

"I'm just happy I can always get this particular reaction out of you." He even felt a swell of pride rising in his chest at the idea; they had been together for longer than a lot of people could handle or afford, and the spark was still there. Although it had little to do with the physical side of it and was more about simply urging each other on, chasing the same goals together, finding joy and excitement in each other's company because they simply worked so well together, under all circumstances. With all those things more present than ever, physical attraction was a side benefit that came naturally on its own. It wasn't the fact that Anders was gorgeous -although it certainly helped- but rather the fact that they both loved and needed each other deeply. 

So he lowered his head even further, endlessly glad to be the one who could do such things to Anders' body and soul.

____

Despite both of them having impressive stamina that most people could barely dream of, at some point of the night they did have to stop rolling around in their bed, tasting, teasing and taking each other. They didn't get to do this as often as they would like to, so they always did whatever they could to compensate… But at some point, they always had to admit defeat. 

They couldn't seem to satisfy the need they had for each other in any way, it simply kept on building up, making them lose themselves into something neither of them could predict or ever fully understand. 

Anders knew their bond would break someday, knowing what he had to do; it would end in heartbreak, possibly with him dead at Hawke's feet, and saying goodbye would be torture then. It would be so much easier to break his heart now, a clean break, if only Anders could find the courage to do it. He couldn't. He was selfish and greedy, and he couldn't stop. Even if Justice hated what he was doing, even if Anders himself despised the person he had become, tricking his lover in such a way, one he could never come back from. 

And yet he couldn't help but feel good. Like he was doing something right. He had ached for this since the very first time he had properly taken a good look at Garrett Hawke and realized what kind of person was lying beneath that armour. The type of man willing to risk his own life to save others, solving endless little problems and causing many others through his lovely tendency to cause trouble wherever he was. It was endearing, how hard Hawke fought back against the chaos that threatened to uproot his life on the daily, the same kind of chaos that had taken his family and his home from him. Someday, that chaos was gonna take Anders away from him as well; but at that moment he looked far too peaceful for the other mage to feel remorse. Spent, relaxed and grinning like an idiot, just how Anders liked him. How could he feel bad in a moment like that? 

"We should take nights off more often." Hawke's deep voice startled him out of his thoughts, though his words immediately brought a smile to his lips. "I don't mind missing Wicked Grace for this." 

"You know it wouldn't work. They would just come here and we'd lose the bit of privacy we have." Which wasn't saying much, really. Sandal barging into rooms unannounced was the least of their problems; Isabela sneaking in to write obscenities in Hawke's books, or pretty much any other friend of his who felt comfortable enough to let themselves in... Those occasions had made for some very awkward and embarrassing memories. Hawke didn't seem to mind, and Anders was used to much worse, so they never ended up discussing it for too long. 

"You're probably right. But a man can dream." Hawke's voice sounded sleepy as he murmured, his hand moving to the right side of his head to stroke the hair there. Anders closed his eyes, relaxing as well and not paying much attention to the way Hawke's fingers suddenly pinched and prodded at his right lobe.

"Is that a healed-over earring hole?" Suddenly aware of what Garrett was saying, Anders slapped his hand away with a glare, while his lover stared at him somewhere between excited at this new revelation and ready to make fun of him for it. "My, Anders. I never thought you would be the type to get an earring." 

"What are you even touching my ears for?" Anders cocked an eyebrow at him, but Hawke simply shrugged. 

"It relaxes me." He said it as if it was something more than just obvious, and the eager look in his eyes made it especially hard for Anders to stay mad at him. How could he stay mad at his partner when physical contact was so relaxing to him, when he couldn't help himself and simply had to keep at least a hand on Anders at all times? He had clearly already lost that argument, and the look Hawke was giving him meant that he knew as well. 

"Damn you. It's so hard to stay mad when you're this cute." The shit-eating grin on Garrett's face almost made him regret his words. Almost.  
  
"One of the many wonders of my charm." Anders rolled his eyes, but Hawke didn't give him enough time to say anything about that. "So, an earring, huh?" Right back on topic, of course. Anders wasn't stupid enough to think that he could simply forget about it; he had to be honest, he had almost forgotten about its existence, so much so that he could barely believe Hawke had noticed it. That part of him seemed thousands of years away from where he was now, from who he had become. 

"Once upon a time, when I was still fun." Despite the light-hearted tone, there was a bitterness to his smile; to think of all the things that had been taken from him for no real reason still stirred waves of anger that were almost impossible to tame. 

He barely remembered the Anders who only cared about girls and fireballs; each day a little part of him slipped from his grasp, chained as he was to his duties. There was no other choice for him, no other man he could become but the one thousands of templars had started creating the very moment the injustices had started. Somebody had to be that man, and fate had chosen him for whatever reason. 

The point was that Anders felt like he hadn't had any choice since the very beginning; he should have cherished the person he used to be way more than he had because the occasions to have fun by doing something as simple as killing a templar didn't exist anymore. The only fun times he had were either with Hawke or their friends, which wasn't to say they weren't enough... But he couldn't help but wonder if they would have liked the younger him better. If he could have been a better partner for Hawke, hadn't he changed so deeply. 

He knew it was worth it, at the end of the day; no matter how much he loved Hawke, that was bigger than both of them and everything they shared. No love was important enough to overshadow mages' rights, as hurtful as it was to admit. Garrett seemed to have accepted that, as he seemed to be perfectly content with Anders the way he was... But that didn't necessarily mean Anders had to be happy with himself as well. He couldn't even begin to understand why Hawke had decided that out of all the people he surrounded himself with, Anders would be the one to get his love. 

"You're fun right now." As if he was somehow hearing his thoughts, Hawke tugged on his ear and grinned up at him, as if what he'd said was in any way true. 

"I'm not!" Anders sounded affronted; he spent most of his time either tending to his patients, killing bandits with Hawke or working on his manifesto. There was nothing fun about his life, except for the killing part, which turned out to be fun at least seven times out of ten. 

"That's a very weird thing to get offended about." Hawke seemed to give up on his quest to convince Anders that he was still a fun person; perhaps because there was an untold layer of understanding between them. Anders kept himself separate from the person he used to be for a reason. There was no going back, there was only regretting all the good things that were gone, and would never come back again. He could only hope to forget about all those things by being the man he was now. If being told he was "no fun" was the price to pay, so be it. It hurt less and there were not as many questions attached. "I still think you're fun, though." Anders turned his head to sneak a look at his lover's face: he had half expected him to fall asleep, but apparently, it wasn't quite the right moment yet. 

"You might not think you can wear an earring now, but that doesn't change who you are. I see that man." Anders' heart was definitely pounding in his chest now, the desperate throbbing making the veins on his neck pulsate as blood rushed to his face. "I think he's fun. He's fun to be around, he's a snarky, insufferable prick, but he's also so lovable." 

After long seconds of silence in which Anders tried to get some air back into his lungs, Hawke kissed the top of his head, wrapping him in a hug and lying down on his back, the position he liked to sleep in the most; lying on his back with Anders draped over him like a blanket. "It's okay if you don't like yourself as much anymore. I like you enough for both of us." 

Ah, that wonderful understanding between them, coming into play once again; Anders was never going to think of himself as a hero, as the skilled healer sacrificing himself for others, a fun person to be around, or even just an attractive man, at least not anymore. There were too many things he kept secret, things that made him not as good as Hawke seemed to think, not to mention everything he had done to lead him right up to this point where he had nearly lost all self-respect. Intentions and ideals, conclusions he'd drawn after years of watching templars and mages repeating the same dance over and over again. His life was a never-ending turmoil, chaos in every corner, nothing but a desperate gesture left as hope that perhaps things will get better. There was no time or occasion to work on self-love. What warmed his heart, was knowing that Hawke knew and didn't care. Garrett Hawke, who was currently snoring softly, loved and trusted him beyond reason. Anders didn't know how long that was gonna last, but he couldn't think about that now. He thought about it often, but not now. Now, he only wanted to focus on the rhythm of his lover's breaths, the slow and steady thumping of his heart. 


End file.
